It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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