nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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