The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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