Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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