she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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