Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
