These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
