Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
