Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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