you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
