I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
