Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
