he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
