Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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