I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Shame - the story of my life.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
