I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
