Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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