It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
