i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
