we have pet lesbian snakes
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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