he thought i was a dude.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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