It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
