I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
