I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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