I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize