I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize