I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
