Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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