Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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