Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
