I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
