"it" just moved
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
