you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
