I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize