The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
barbara walters just said penis...
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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