On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
