Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
