I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
she told me i tasted like america
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Im part way to drunk.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize