handjob tips. give me some.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize