You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize