I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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