If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
