also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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