Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
