Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
