Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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