quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
