Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
