Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
