i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
