You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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