we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
