I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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