She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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