I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
