my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
