I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
