I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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