my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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