My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
