I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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