You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
