im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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